


All the Way Back to the Surface

by jbaecob



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Basketball Player Jacob, Dialogue Heavy, Fluff and Angst, Getting Back Together, Kinda?, M/M, Teen Angst, bass boosted: feelings, high school sweethearts gone kinda wrong, jacob rethinks their relationship and it's overwhelming, other members are mentioned!, unimportant things like
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-09 00:11:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17991185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jbaecob/pseuds/jbaecob
Summary: Sangyeon brought with him a kaleidoscope of emotions but a single image, made up of his best features, things that he felt comfortable letting everyone see. But, contrary to what they thought, Jacob knew there was something in him that distrusted everything and everyone around. At that moment he wondered what kind of person Sangyeon saw in him now, for he was the opposite: he felt that he left his emotions too shallow, and that the kaleidoscope then functioned as a myriad of facets to him.





	All the Way Back to the Surface

**Author's Note:**

> hey this is a translation of something that was originally written in portuguese so don't mind if it feels a bit strange (since i couldn't express myself the way i do in my native language duh) but! i've been wanting to post this here for a long time and it's done now. enjoy! <3

The pool had a ghastly color of green (which probably would not be so unpleasant if it did not relate to a pool), but Jacob looked at it with interest. Perhaps because deep inside he knew that if he looked up or to the sides, he would see things that he did not want to see; someone throwing up all the contents of their stomach for mixing alcoholic substances, two people kissing without affection, awkwardly, because they could be doing it for a bet, or his ex-boyfriend leaning on a white pillar, with the lights that hit the green water of the dirty pool reflecting on his face as he cast his best smile at some other person.

Then, instead of looking up or sideways, he looked down: at his shoes, the ones he kept for parties or more special occasions, for the ugly pool, for the wrinkled, brown leaves on the ground and on the surface of the water.

He did not know why Sangyeon was at this party if they probably did not even go to the same places with the same circle of friends still - he hated to admit that they had broken up his group because of a too forceful end to not seem dramatic. To not splurge. So as not to make the random voices rise and mourn how much they would miss the two together in the department.

He was tired of the pressure that existed and did not want to tell Sangyeon; Sangyeon had probably been annoyed that Jacob was too sealed, secretive. And now he felt guilty for not wanting the other to worry, where in the end he had gone wrong twice. Maybe it was his special ability.

"Hey, what are you doing here by yourself?" Someone asked and he didn’t have to turn around to find out who it was. Eric makes a lot of noise when walking. "We're going to play video games," he sat next to Jacob to watch the green water, maybe feel the little early autumn wind hitting his face. "Well,  _ I'm _ going to play video games. Everyone gathered together to play seven minutes in heaven but Juyeon said I couldn’t."

Jacob looked right into the face of his younger friend and smiled, remembering when he dyed his hair blue and his mother came to speak to Jacob instead of the boy himself.

"Juyeon did it for your sake, believe me," was what he said only. Eric probably wanted the answer to his tempting proposal of the video game, something that Jacob wanted very much indeed, but then something drew his attention from the topic very quickly.

From where he was, he could see Sangyeon and the other person too well; and now Jacob had more or less idea who it was, and watched as she slammed her feet on the floor as she walked away and spoke loudly at the same time, "... then go back! Isn’t that what you want? Go back!"

He and Eric stared at the scene intently, the people around them more or less, doing that thing of putting the cup in front of their faces to pretend not to see, to pretend they didn’t store every single word said - and maybe that's why Jacob did not like college parties. He felt the tips of his fingers freeze, tingling. He was wondering what should have made the girl shout like that and leave without looking back, like she did. He wondered if it was something Sangyeon said or if it was just the feeling. Suddenly, Jacob did not want to know, he did not feel like a constituent part of the people who would care to be inside the life of a college popular guy.

"Get inside, Eric. Call Sunwoo to play with you and do not stay up too late, okay? I‘m going home."

Sangyeon was still standing by the pillar, leaning against it almost dramatically. He had no glass of drink on hand now, but he probably must have drunk something earlier.

They got up at the same time and the younger one was strangely silent. Jacob tapped his pants to get the dust off and Eric mimicked his gestures, looking from the pool to Jacob again and again.

"What?" And when Eric answered, the trees rattled in the wind. He grabbed the shirt on his body a little.

"You still miss him, don’t you?"

There was, in fact, an unhealthy deformity about the way they ended it. Or, more precisely, in the way Sangyeon ended. It was not romantic - Jacob did not feel like crying or begging for Sangyeon to change his mind. Sangyeon spoke very punctually, very neatly; it would corrode him from inside. Knowing that something there was definitely not right, to feel that when Sangyeon physically walked away from him, his warmth went away together. Perhaps, he thought, as a consolation, that it was the right thing. Perhaps, if they forced a lint of hope and pulled it until the cords were too big and the nodes firm enough, they could not get rid of each other so easily. Maybe, it would hurt more with time.

But Jacob understood that by analyzing the situation from a higher point of view, beyond the customs and horrific ways of thinking that high school sweethearts would last forever (and survive college), everything seemed too comical to be true. But him, as part of the structure, one who is not strong enough to change it, pretends to feel pain all the time. His only form of resistance was denial. Not for everyone, no; that he hardly said. But for himself, so that when it came the time to lie he knew how to do it right. 

"... He was my boyfriend. Of course I do, I think..."

The house was simply decorated for the celebration - and Jacob did not remember exactly what for, or probably didn’t even know firstly - and at the door where he physically stopped Eric from going further, there were colorful balloons hanging above. 

"I need to go. When I get home I’ll warn you, and you do the same," Eric had a confused expression on his face, and the usual gleam in his eyes had been rehoused to give way to an air of concern that Jacob, in his heart, thought that combined with the freshman. He was almost a man like that, all stoned. 

"...I know that if I ask you, you will not answer anyway, so be alright, okay?" He presented a distrustful tone mixed with something else in his voice. Jacob straightened his hair when a wind blew and disheveled them; Eric entered the house and he went out the backyard door. No one paid any attention to his departure, however much he could feel that many people gossiped over their cups. 

When he left home earlier, he thought it was not really cold enough to wear a jacket, and that was when his night started to go wrong. Now that he was walking down the empty, lighted street, he felt as the wind whirled around his body, raising the hairs on his arms and making him feel like sneezing all of a sudden. He also, felt the urge to close his eyes and try to stop being martyred for something that might not have been his fault. He wondered if Sangyeon, too, might have had his thoughts invaded by sharp, precise daggers of remorse. Now he remembered the reason for the party, since he finally realised where the residence was located; it was a celebration of the third consecutive title of the basketball team, which he himself was part of, but in this season had been temporarily withdrawn because of a small injury. However, the party came and went away as a blur because he was not focused on anything but his own thoughts running through his head. Not exactly because of the ending or Sangyeon itself, but how the dynamics between the large group had cracked, and how his need to keep them all together was burning him alive; for he saw in the eyes of his friends that this break had not been harmful to just the two of them. In any case, instead of blaming himself and Sangyeon, he felt a sudden, icy urge to question  _ “but why it all depend on us?”. _ It was as if, implicitly, everyone was connected from this, as if they were the fruit of the concise interconnection between them. To some degree, Jacob felt that he liked the weight of it. It was significant, at least momentarily, to feel that even a bunch of almost completely different adult teens had the ability to become a complete whole. But to another degree, however, he was prevented from letting those thoughts flourish because deep down, that everyone depended on that relationship to stay together seemed superfluous, sad and disappointing. He had not yet spoken to any of them, and he and Sangyeon had looked directly at each other for the last time only five days ago, so it was all very fresh, yet. It looked like a poorly made but still unfinished jug; the edges of wet clay moldable to the touch, but the main structure hardened, fixed. 

Not far from where he'd made a turn to head for his own house, someone wanted to be noticed as they walked audibly behind him. He turned around, then. He could recognize that step everywhere. For a moment he struggled with himself to know if it was a good idea or not... 

So, looking at him, he could pretend they were still together and that Sangyeon was extremely concerned that Jacob had left without telling anyone; without having spoken to him. He could not deny that he knew that look when the older man was, in fact, extremely anxious for answers and confirmation that everything was perfectly fine. For a moment, he wanted to ignore that when they said to each other " _ then it’s over _ ", they meant it. He wanted to ignore that there was not a last touch in fact, and that when he stopped to think about it, it did not hurt. This was a road they knew well. Jacob had taken him to make tracks along the way, where houses of more or less affluent families found the reservation and he loved the feeling of breaking through the woods. There they had wheeled around, like two fools, had taken rain, walked hand in hand, had stopped in the middle of the night as they were now, face to face, and argued about an idiocy. At that time, Jacob did not take seriously half of the misfortunes that happened - which meant, directly, that he did not talk about them. He did not talk about when everyone thought that now that there was another Canadian in the last year of school, they would split up. He did not comment when Sangyeon became more territorial even as he entered college first than anyone else, even if it bothered him at alarming levels; he had just let things happen and happening they were crowding and forming a gigantic snowball that no one could control as it went down the mountain. 

Sangyeon, at that moment, made a casual motion to remove his heavy jacket; underneath it he wore a gray hoodie. Jacob remembers liking to wear it everytime. The older man walked up to him with the mechanized, forced stride, something that would not seem natural even if Jacob closed his eyes to reality (just like he loved to do), and lifted the piece to Jacob's chest. 

“I noticed that you didn’t bring one." And instead of accepting it and thanking him, Jacob said:

"We're not together anymore." 

Sangyeon looked like a mixture of confused and irritated. His nuisance was not unfair, and Jacob knew it. He did not understand why he said that, anyway; did not control what his mind wanted to do. Sangyeon's hand was still suspended. 

"I do not need this to worry about you or any of my friends." 

He accepted the jacket, but the second he'd handled the cloth to wear it, he wished he hadn’t even stopped walking in the first place; Sangyeon's scent invaded his nostrils and put half his thoughts straight ( _ he's here now, everything will be okay, everything is under control _ ) - the other half collapsed. The screams reverberated inside his skull, trying to remind him of why they were no longer an union. The jacket hugged him, its thick fabric carrying Sangyeon's warmth with it, his almost synthetic aroma mixed with a strong content but not pungent. In fact, it carried more of Sangyeon's natural scent than anything else. Jacob did not know if they would stay right there, standing in the middle of two neighborhoods as delinquents, or if Sangyeon would let him continue his way after lending his jacket. 

"It's getting late," he said then, reaching for his pockets to stick his hands in. His fingers were frozen and the wind that beat against his face was slightly colder every moment. Sangyeon swayed, subtly putting the weight of his body on his heels. 

"I'll walk you home." The way he blurted out " _ home _ " almost sounded like he meant that it was part of him, too. That somehow, when they were alone in the bedroom, he belonged - not because they were in the house Jacob called home, but because home would be wherever the other was. And realizing that, perhaps, would not have been so simple. Jacob's parents knew that his son was not dating anymore, and that there would be no random dinner where Sangyeon spent half of it talking about how proud of Jacob he was. How lucky the university was to have such a talented player on the team. How lucky  _ he _ was for having him. And then Jacob would spent the rest of the night staring at the ceiling, exchanging the last message with him, wondering where in the world it had been said that he deserved such love. 

"Can I?" He asked, standing parallel to Jacob, his sneakers without making any noise on the damp pavement. So closely, he could see the effect of the wind and the walk on his dyed brown hair, lying on his forehead and scattered on top. He also noticed that the outskirts of his eyes had better days, dark spots below the pouches that Jacob had learned to appreciate so much. He nodded, taking the first step toward the residential. They walked at least twenty centimeters away from each other, Sangyeon looking down and Jacob ahead, at the lights of the houses and the occasional movement of those who did not sleep early. Sangyeon broke the silence. 

"I... I thought you'd come and talk to me." Jacob wanted to physically stop and look at him, but he didn’t. He looked at him over the collar of the jacket, however. 

"But it was you who ended it..." 

"I know. I know, Jacob, but trust me when I say I had reasons."

Jacob did not know if he wanted to have this conversation now. It seemed correct, didn’t it? After a few foggy days of unanswered questions and himself appeasing his heart because he thought no one else could do that, his friends at his side even fragmented - there were Kevin, Eric, Changmin, Hyunjae and Younghoon - and his own insecurities trying to take the reins of his heart. He had a feeling that talking to him like this, in the dead of night, only their steps reverberating gently into the serene, made sense. But he did not know if he was ready yet to hear and to speak. 

"It's been a long time since I've known what you feel," Sangyeon's voice sounded strange in his ears. Sangyeon brought with him a kaleidoscope of emotions but a single image, made up of his best features, things that he felt comfortable letting everyone see. But, contrary to what they thought, Jacob knew there was something in him that distrusted everything and everyone around. At that moment he wondered what kind of person Sangyeon saw in him now, for he was the opposite: he felt that he left his emotions too shallow, and that the kaleidoscope then functioned as a myriad of facets to him. 

"Sangyeon," they had stopped in front of Jacob's house. He longed to enter as much as he wanted to put an end to that conversation. "I'm sorry." 

"Me too. And that's why I want to clarify everything," he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Jacob felt scattered, not thinking he deserved the attention at that moment; he felt as if Sangyeon was going to waste time, but he did not know exactly why. 

"I never wanted to lose you." 

Jacob did not understand. Every effort he made to make Sangyeon's thoughts seem understandable was flawed, and the only thing he could think of was that if he didn’t want to lose him, he would not have ended things like that, so definitely. Jacob had a notion that he needed to review some things, so wouldn’t taking a time from it be more useful? Something that could give them space to reevaluate? 

"I never wanted it too, but here we are." 

"Really?" To the rest of the world, perhaps, Sangyeon's face did not say a lot now, but Jacob knew too much. Reading his expressions was easy, especially when they were all directed towards him. He was purposely relaxed, without a hint of revulsion in his face, but the motive was uncertain. 

"What do you mean?" His voice sounded low. Part of the phrase got lost in the wind, but Sangyeon seemed to have heard it well. 

"After a while you did not even care. This it's completely understandable. Not listening to the random murmurs." His facet began to fade slowly after, his voice getting choked. Jacob was alarmed, next, when he continued, "Then it was like- It felt as if everything had gone numb, and you did not care for them, but neither for me?" Jacob felt his face warm and he was not sure if it was of shame or anger. Because that was not how it had happened. Because Sangyeon did not understand his side. Because only now he had an idea of what Sangyeon was thinking, and deep down he felt he was nowhere near finished. 

"I did not ask you because I respect your space, but the doubt made me believe in whatever shit they were spilling. But then your silence only confirmed everything and I could not pretend anymore," Sangyeon stared at the floor. Jacob looked at his hands and bothered to see them unoccupied, and felt so keen to hold them that he had to tighten his own. He had no idea how much his omission could have hurt- as much as he knew it was not exactly the smartest way to handle the situations at all. He knew it, he knew that in the end it would only be more complicated. Even more so if he had to stand still, watching as Sangyeon removed his side of the story from the heart, forgetting that Jacob had his own too. 

"I could not look at you any longer and feel like you weren’t there, you know? As much as I looked into your eyes and saw it-” 

He stopped abruptly, taking a step forward, almost facing him completely. Sangyeon lifted a hand and lightly touched his chin - icy fingers, begging to be wrapped by his - then they actually stared at each other after five days. Five dragged, strange days, having to ignore when everyone was commenting here and there about things that did not concern anyone but them. And all of their friends. Which reminded him- 

"This, here. I still can see it," he murmured and Jacob didn’t know exactly where to look, because if into Sangyeon’s eyes, it was a very strong load. They were of irises darker than his, shorter lashes and expressive eyebrows that demanded attention. Jacob, with eyes closed then, whispered back, "There's my side too, you know. There is so much."

Sangyeon continued to stare at him, his hand wrapping around his chin and a part of his cheek, but failing to make Jacob look back at him. Jacob stepped away hesitantly, and at last touched Sangyeon's wrist. He removed the hand from his face and struggled as to whether he should continue to hold it. 

"I felt pressured because everything seemed to depend on us...", when he released Sangyeon's hand, he realized how strange the phrase sounded. "As if our friends were directly attached to us, but not exactly us as friends of them, but as Sangyeon  _ and _ Jacob. The couple." He looked down again. Sangyeon had ignored his step backward and approached him by the edges, but Jacob didn’t react. Instead, he looked up to see the clouds turning rosy and dark gray, laden with rain, sounding like alarm for him to go in. Sangyeon stared at him with eyes shining, if Jacob was interpreting it right, but did not let him speak. 

"That was wearing me off... I think there was another reason as well, but that sounds more stupid than the first one now that I stopped to evaluate." 

"Kevin?" He coughed. "The other reason is Kevin?" 

"What?" Jacob panicked with the possibility, momentarily confused by the name of his friend in the middle of the conversation he did not want to have, and something in the back of his mind forbade him to think that Sangyeon had really felt threatened. It sounded stupid and incomprehensible. Somehow, something that Sangyeon would be able to do. 

"You had turned off, and at that moment everything seemed... too fluid, without consistency. Do you understand me?" Jacob nodded, but his heart seemed to rustle uncomfortably, as if there was something stuck between his ribs wanting to leave. The breath he gave was forced and trembling. "I thought ... I thought you were ... With him- Somehow, I thought there was no more you and I." 

Jacob pondered his words. He spent so much time ignoring the events that when there was actually something to worry about he was not going to go that deep. He thought he was stable enough not to have to decide when to intervene or to wait a bit more. Clearly he was wrong, and Sangyeon thought in a completely different way, and that somehow made him flush with anger. Wary of something as serious as cheating? Suspect Kevin? When he added it all up, everything seemed so stupid and ridiculous that if he really liked confronting, he would not have the courage to. 

"You don’t trust me," he felt weak. His tone carried something bluish, no matter how angry he was, and only then did he realize that it was directed at himself. Sometimes Jacob forgot that he was not alone - more precisely, that it was not only his fault but that it was not just his merit. He was not deprived of support, company or threats. Sangyeon remained silent, but there was something alight in his eyes, as if he had suddenly become livid. Sudden, like a flame that springs up and spreads too fast to be controlled. 

"I don’t know if I actually gave you concrete reasons for this, Sangyeon. I don’t say that to provoke, but without considering those stupid rumors and my absence..." he bit his lip, "Did I really make you so suspicious? To the point of...", his voice trailed off, unsure and slightly  incredulous. Sangyeon shook his head suddenly, and before closing his eyes Jacob saw that the edges were red. To his astonishment, he realized that he was about to cry, but he didn’t know what to do with this affliction. It seemed like his heart would fail a beat at any minute and the completely give up on trying. 

"I was thinking that I had done everything right but they made me understand that I had no right to feel that way. That it's not your fault- but I don’t even know if it's mine either," the short speech denounced what was to come. When Jacob threw his arms around Sangyeon very fast, in a half-desperate act, his voice was already really quaking, muffled by the thick fabric of his jacket, "forgive me, Jacob. Forgive me." 

He hugged him because the urgency was suffocating; his eyes were open and he felt the pounding of his heart in his ears, pulsing against the skin of his neck. Sangyeon did not break down because he was too proud to let anyone see him that way, and he hurt people, causing them to move away and not purposefully hurt him back. Jacob hugged him harder, tighter, but Sangyeon did not sob - perhaps Jacob would become more unsettled if he did. Jacob had no intention of letting him feel bad for giving in to his strong emotions, he did not want to repulse him. He just kept on holding him, feeling small there on the sidewalk, the icy breeze framing their shapes silently. There was something warm, more than the contact of the skin, in the embrace Sangyeon gave; Jacob realized, with a delay that lifted him from reality for a few seconds, that in fact he’s been dying of longing. 

"Who made you understand?" He asked quietly. His face was glued to Sangyeon's cold hair, which had remained motionless, and his breaths were almost the only thing Jacob could hear, from his closeness. Doubt arose at the moment when the eldest had delivered there, almost as an act of humiliation for admitting error, but he could not question it swiftly. Sangyeon untied them almost too fast, as if he had been shocked; he looked with bright eyes to Jacob, who was beyond confused, and smiled, making the wrinkles in the eyes appear. Jacob felt his legs weaken a little. 

"Them, Jacob. Our friends, contrary to what they had let you know, were actually thinking about your well-being, when they split up. They were afraid there would be pressure if we continued on- if you and I felt the need to keep on forcing ourselves for the good of the group. I think they thought that if you knew everything it would be obvious and too forced, but now I don’t know if separating momentarily without you knowing may have been the best of ideas,“ he exhaled loudly, almost like he’d been holding his breath for too long, “What matters is that they love you and did it for thinking of you too. Like Jacob, their friend."

Jacob felt stupid, even if it was not his fault. How had Kevin managed to hide it from him, having stayed with him all this time? How did they all agree to pretend (only to Jacob, which surprised him even more) that they had truly fragmented in that way? How could he then forgive himself after having incubated some of the guilt to relieve his mind of his own deeds? Jacob shifted his gaze down as usual, clasping his hands together, for they had not yet become accustomed to the temperature. Suddenly, the sky threatened them with a thunder in the distance, indicating the coming of the storm. He stumbled over the words, saying:

"I must apologize, that way... both to them and to you." And almost as if his mind was making him play games, he remembered, "And I still want to know why you got those shouts at the party- Not that we need to talk about it now, but it's that-" Sangyeon ( _ finally _ , he complained) held his hands, and his attention split between Jacob's eyes and thin, icy raindrops that fell from the sky hit the ground around them. 

"That's what happens when you deny that you still have feelings for your ex, you try to forget him, you meet a person who always wanted you a little bit but when you kiss her, you whisper the name of who you want to forget." 

Jacob is not quite sure how he managed to say this without disturbing the words as the speech gradually became syrupy (and, frankly, something that Sangyeon would do in only a few punctuated moments). He felt, not for the first time and perhaps not for the last, the blush spreading across his cheeks, and then he was all uncertain hands and restless legs. 

"Shut up," he shrank from the breeze, "shut up, stop saying such things," and Sangyeon watched him closely, probably making the situation in which his warm skin was worsen, a tiny smile on the corner of his mouth. "I- I don’t know if we should- Sangyeon," in a exasperated way, he put his hands on his face and forced himself to take a deep breath, enough to make his head slightly light. Sangyeon was still holding hands, waiting for, perhaps, Jacob nestle them again. 

"Look," he began, with a hint or two of caution in his voice, letting go of his hands, "we both have issues that go beyond this moment and I know that starting from here things will not automatically look good." Jacob nodded minimally because he knew it was true, something he feared perhaps more, and hugged his own body. He gripped the thick fabric of his borrowed jacket, and again he focused his attention on the soft blend of artificial aroma with Sangyeon's signature scent. Comfort in them did not hurt less than knowing that they probably would not take anything of benefit from it, if it depended on him. Maybe because his share had run out and having to deal with people like Sangyeon upset him, purely because of this suffocating need to have control over everything - even the thoughts of whom he loves - but refuse to pay in the same coin. Maybe because he could not teach him to see differently without hurting him. However much as each motive wounded his own portion, the greater of them did not do against Sangyeon and his conduct, but in favor of it. He thought now that by returning Sangyeon's brown jacket the other would have to smell him instead, entangled in the same space, and that perspective resurrected a selfish thought he had had for some time. 

"Hey, can I ask you a favor?" On the sidewalk where the rain still insisted on falling, droplets as thin as penetrating, Jacob looked up as soon as Sangyeon asked the question. He looked at him as if he were relieved, bringing some of his doubts into his head to let him ask for anything, then shook his head again. Sangyeon's face was filled with an almost unreadable expression, and Jacob pretended not to see the glint in his eyes, the blush on the face of those who had shed tears, making it almost satisfactory to see. He kept quiet, studying the possibility of approaching Sangyeon because, now that he let the emotion out of his body almost completely, he longed to ignore some things. 

"It's getting too late and it's going to rain a lot," he began, unpretentious, almost like someone throwing a conversation out of not having something important to do, "and I plan to go only after we've solved everything." Jacob listened intently. Sangyeon's forehead was decorated with raindrops, which were accumulating on his eyebrows and eyelashes. He felt the cold water touching the roots of his hair and he suddenly imagined that the two of them would be sick at the very least. "But, if we kiss just once, I'll go home and we'll talk tomorrow." 

"Or what?”

"I did not consider that option, but we could stand here all night," he shrugged like an inconsequential brat, and Jacob was exasperated as he had not expected to become. "You're the one who chooses." He felt his guts all reacting to the provocation as if he had not been so affected, and when he returned to his direct glance, he realized that it would be no use pretending that his greatest desire at the moment wasn’t just that. He could not help but think of the time when he accepted that nothing more could be done, for he would not be willing to play that role. He had to admit that he had not thought of an outcome like that, and his heart was strangely conditioned not to transmute itself seared as he waited for more than sympathy and cold greetings from the other. He has needed effectively to say to himself that the ephemeral exists and that its essence does not contradict itself. Everything ends and does not always return to the same place, with the same face. Ironic was, at the very least, to face Sangyeon and to have him malleable, hopeful face, clumsy hands and eager to hold onto something again. He was staring and staring so hard that when he realized it he was already close - and there was not a "no" in his head, not even a "maybe." 

He would say "yes" and could have said "yes" with all the letters if he had not gotten inside the surface he was looking at a few minutes earlier; of Sangyeon allowing himself to be read, indulging in his own feelings and overwhelming him, only to have the rainy night as the zero mark which, so to speak, ended the break. Jacob clearly had in mind what he would say if he had to explain the delay, and it would be nothing more than the truth - but he abdicated the words very briefly and punctually. Sangyeon raised his hand again to caress his face as he had done earlier, delighted that this time there was no resistance, deviation, or indifference, and left them with eyes aligned, fixed. 

"Can I?" 

There was so much inlaid in that question even when it consists of only one word; a simple question. If he could? Considering that now there was probably nothing more to discuss besides the inevitable conversation with the friends who put themselves in the front line of a problem that was not even theirs, then it is. He could do it. Only that Jacob had in mind that his senses were still too asleep to react as effectively or as efficiently as Sangyeon's, despite being very close to him, the heat coming in waves so short that it was at least intriguing to be able to feel them so well. Sangyeon had a glimpse of that flash that said a lot, and for a moment he doubted if, in fact, the feelings were as unfit as he wanted to think. Sangyeon then finally reached for his wet hands, almost trembling in the cold, and the rain that no longer was so thin surrounded them with wind, and at that moment he thought that the inconvenience of the weather was as or more imperceptible than the small voice that caught him. His companion was clearly oblivious to these thoughts, rising beautifully in the dim street light, his hair now rather damp against his forehead, his hands between his invitingly. 

"Yeah, Sangyeon," he whispered, the timbre suspended along with the air, "you can." 

If he had ever missed anything at all, it was most likely that: Sangyeon taking an unnecessary step forward, his eyes staring into Jacob's face, his eyes fixed on his, his hands already busy, the euphoria and the suspense of delay; all that cradling his mind in a sweet sensation, even if it was quick, of a slight vertigo. And the other was lingering, delayed staring, savoring perhaps, forcing him to want to raise a finger in riste and order that  _ yes, you can- please, kiss me _ . But Jacob did not want to rush him,  however much for the proximity of the moment  his noisiest instinct was to pull him down. Because he missed him so much, and riding a bike with him, and maybe even doing nothing while thinking about everything, and sure to feel his warm presence in the hallways of college. Moreover, the sensations in themselves cried, inspired, for him to act. Still, he waited. But it was raining now, so much so that the water dripped under his shoes, and all he wanted at the moment was- 

To be gently pulled by his hands, yes, but to have them loose by then, his face being wrapped instead. Sangyeon positively forgot the fact that his hands were cold enough to make him shudder a little, and neither of them cared. Jacob grabbed Sangyeon's sweatshirt, practically stewed, and brought him closer too, focused on the moment when he tilted his head very lightly, oblivious to everything, his lips pale and painfully cold. When they touched, Jacob took a quick note of the warm sensation inside the mouth, closing his lips to his, the two contrasting and electric temperatures. Sangyeon started to deepen the touch, and the raindrops mingled with the warmth, completely ignorant of Jacob's willingness to wipe them off (in vain). Sangyeon, evidently, tasted like rain (and perhaps something alcoholic there at the end) and his lips were comfortingly embedded in his own. If he suddenly resolved to break the contact in order to surprise him otherwise, then he would lose the heat he collected from the paralysis of the lazy touch, which he did not make much to change. And Sangyeon liked to be unpredictable, no matter how easily Jacob considered reading it in trivial situations like that, giving him a kiss, and knew that from nowhere he might want to raise him from the ground and give him three swirls in the rainy air. 

The second wave of euphoria struck him over this thought and he threatened to giggle, his lips glued to Sangyeon's so tightly connected that he probably felt the disturbance in the lull. Sangyeon took it as a signal, parting a little bit then kissing him again, this time with a different purpose and more wrapped in something that, at that moment, Jacob could only classify as homesick. And he matched it, feeling the taste of the rain stronger, the firmer grip and the weakening legs, as the movement became steadier and more intense, loaded with various requests - on the tip of his tongue, which he trailed through Jacob’s lips slowly, the caress warming at least a little from the icy, wet discomfort of the rain. Sangyeon parted again, this time panting lightly, and Jacob dared a nibble at the little end of the kiss to make it last longer. He did not know what time it was, or how long he stood there on the sidewalk of his house without entering it. Sangyeon looked equally unconcerned, for the first thing he did was to rest his forehead on his, ignoring the fact that now that his strands of hair were bunchy, small drips would form and fall around his face. Jacob looked up, trying, in the dark, to face him back. 

On his newly warmed lips he knew he had a smile, and as much as his less emotional sense had forced him to settle for something so sudden, it was natural and almost automatic to look for any statement. Sangyeon caressed his face and it was as if the sensations were finally in their proper places, proving that, without taking or putting, it was their turn now. And if he had to pause for a moment and reevaluate where his omission was harmful, he could be sure that his longings would not be ignored or diminished. 

Even though he was loving it, he paused for a moment for as forgotten that forgiving was as easy as learning to ride a bicycle, but that Sangyeon still had something in him that kept him from moving on. 

"Let's go upstairs. We need to get out of this rain," he murmured, unwittingly splashing a few drops from his lips, "and no, I will not let you go alone, much less in this storm." 

The older has probably been staring at him since he messed up his smile to frown, and fortunately wasted no time trying to counter-argument, accompanying him as he opened the gate of the residence with as much caution as he could, owing to his shaking hands. Sangyeon knew that area well enough, but Jacob still played the role of being surprised when he asked for the keys to help him open the door. It was when the penny finally has dropped and he realized the mess he had made in his mind, purely in order to fix everything and relieve the numbness that bothered his heart. They stepped carefully into the living room, and for every moment they tried to make as little noise as possible. In the hot shower, on the journeys between the bathroom, the bedroom and the kitchen, in the short time Jacob had returned to the living room and picked up their shoes and put them in the service area - and Sangyeon followed behind him, sometimes making him laugh on purpose, sometimes exaggerating in the silent walk, pretending to be in a action movie, and Jacob was charmed for the millionth time. And where he sinned to deny these moments, he also sinned to pay attention to see the whole, the general; he needed to help and feed them new thoughts, he needed to know if Sangyeon would be willing to do the same - and in consideration of his feelings and efforts of his little "gang", he needed them to be together. 

Not only physically or superficially, call half an hour before a test to wish good luck or send a message every day in the morning. For Jacob knew that his purpose in relation to them then changed and evolved, and he hoped that for Sangyeon it might have been the same - if at the moment when he closed the door of his room, the rain as ceaseless as inviting (now that they were properly sheltered and dry), the look that was intended meant more than a simple  _ I want you _ ; then, possibly. If the care with which he was wrapped as soon as his back found the mattress - slightly more anxious than ever, more full of circumspection and hesitation - he meant more than a simple _ I miss you _ ; then, most likely. 

"I still haven’t told you all that I have in mind," Sangyeon whispered. There was something stiflingly catchy in the way he said it. His face hung so close in such a way that it was difficult to distinguish their breaths in the limbo in which his room had been transformed - there was a penumbra, the natural heat provoked by them themselves, and Sangyeon, wrapping him with his arms and legs like a stiffer octopus - and he closed his eyes. 

"That's good, because I need to hear it," he murmured back, "I want to know and I want to learn to let you know too," and while it seemed very easy to talk like that, hearing his voice saying it he carried an overwhelming sense of reality and responsibility he could already have long assumed and he simply hadn’t learned to consider. However, by closing his eyes, anything that Sangyeon said in response would be ruthlessly forgotten or ignored by his very sleepy mind. And it was drained by infinite motives. 

"But we'll leave it for later, okay?" He muttered. 

"All right." 

 

It was quiet again, and perhaps he had been carried away by the feeling of being embraced by Sangyeon very quickly, for in a little while it was no longer possible to distinguish dream of reality. There was something in the back of his mind as if he had forgotten to do something very important but he did not know exactly what until he felt someone poking his arm and calling his name with a slight urgency. 

"Jacob, your phone is ringing," was the first concrete thing he heard when he came out of his state of lethargy, "Jacob?" 

He must have mumbled something incomprehensible for Sangyeon to have laughed softly and reached for the nightstand to hand him the device - but only when his eyes painfully became accustomed to the brightness of the screen and Eric's name almost shouted at him accusingly, his senses finally returned to their proper places, and he almost rattled something incoherently before answering the call. 

" _ If you didn’t answer once more I’d think you were dead! Do you wanna kill everyone with anxiety? You think that's right- _ " 

"Eric-"

" _ You said you'd let me know when you got home, and so far there was no sign of life- _ "

"Eric, it's okay." 

He felt his body tremble but found it especially strange, because he didn’t feel cold in any way now; only then did he realize that Sangyeon could hear everything because he was too close and his reaction was more than propitious. Then he felt an exorbitant amount of guilt lodged in his chest as Eric sniffed and said, " _ I tried to call stupid Sangyeon too but his is off, _ " and the one next to him whispered an  _ hey!, _ properly indignant. It was Jacob's turn to giggle, his body soft with sleepiness, his forehead resting comfortably against Sangyeon's chest. 

"I'm sorry for making you worry, little one," his voice was almost giving up being heard again when he completed, "and you don’t have to call stupid Sangyeon anymore, because he's fine. Isn’t him?" 

The question was literally directed at him, who watched Jacob as he dealt with the situation, and the question seems to have taken him by surprise; if the raised eyebrows and lack of response for a few seconds were any clue. In the end, he threw his head back in a fluid motion, took a deep breath and said, "He's okay, yeah." 

Jacob's fatigue reached catastrophic levels when the first thing Eric said was, " _ Ugh _ ." And after a little while, the three duly shut down to appreciate the situation differently, he continued, " _...can I tell everyone? _ " 

Jacob's laughter was now another strange shake of body because he had no more strength to say no, so he murmured, "You can- and after that... go to sleep." 

Sangyeon hugged him tighter, resting the tip of his chin in his hair, and he heard Eric complaining quietly on the other side of the line. 

"Good night, Eric." 

The rest of the events were a blur of things, the main ones being Sangyeon pulling the cell phone out of his hand and nestling back properly around him. A feeling struck him; it was relief, but there was no way he could let it grow much beyond that. The last thing he felt was a brief seal, so sudden and so soft on the tip of his nose he could barely register - and after that, Sangyeon must have said a thing or two about tomorrow, and the day after that - and them, swimming against the current of their own negations, reforming everything detail by detail, learning and teaching (that perhaps surrendering does not do so bad, and being aware of it is just the right thing to do). 

 

The End.

**Author's Note:**

> hmu on twt! @O9RAVN - and stan oneus, knk, ace, vav, in2it and onewe. thanks


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